ASK CAMIROSE: Feeling Smothered and Lost at Sea

CamilleMercoglianoDear Camirose,I have one friend who prides herself on being a good person. But she doesn’t realize that she annoys everyone with the way she behaves. She is an active person and always seems to be out enjoying herself somewhere. But heaven help you if you do something with a mutual friend and do not include her.Recently a couple of “mutual” friends and I took the ferry over to Ocean Bay Park for a girls’ night out. When “Blanche” caught wind of this, OMG, you would have thought we committed the ultimate sin!She started by interrogating us, asking things like who planned it, where did we go, and why wasn’t she asked? ” Then she laid on the guilt and her annoying whiny stuff… “I would never have left you out,” and “Why didn’t you think of me?”Does she not realize that all of her digging and whining are exactly why we don’t always include her? Sometimes it is just so much work to be around her. Who always wants to be justifying everything they do? Every word has to be weighed out, because you never know what’s going to offend her (basically everything). We are all just so tired of this. Just ignoring her isn’t an option. What would you do?Feeling SmotheredDear Feeling Smothered,Well, it seems like your friend is quite a bit of work, but the feeling of exclusion can sting. My first thought is, why in the world are you still friends??? But I realize it is not always so easy to disentangle one person out of a group unless it is a group decision. This may not be. So….Have any of you ever sat down with her and explained to her in a nice way, exactly how she is making you all feel? Her insecurities seem to be getting the best of her. It would be fair to her if you were able to explain to her that the very thing she fears (being left out) she is actually causing by the way she acts. Maybe you could explain to her that she is an important part of your circle of friends, but that sometimes things may occur that do not include every single one of you. Sometimes things are spur of the moment. Sometimes you need to talk to one friend in particular about something you need advice with. Whatever the reason, she needs to realize nothing was intended to hurt anyone.She also needs to know that she is actually causing her exclusion from some activities due to her behaviors. If you do speak to her and she continues to behave this way, she will probably continue to find herself left out of plans. She may also find herself dropped out of the group completely. I hope you are able to help her see her ways before it is too late.Do you agree with the advice Camirose gave to Lost at Sea and Feeling Smothered? Do you have a question for Camirose? Write to her at [email protected]. Names and locations given in “Ask Camirose” are changed to protect the privacy of individuals mentioned.Dear Camirose,Last weekend I thought I would surprise my boyfriend when he was having guy’s night, and I was out with the girls somewhere else. So I showed up at happy hour at his favorite place. Well, guess what I saw! He was talking with and standing very close to a guy we are friendly with who is openly gay. He didn’t see me come up and I was watching him across the deck and it looked like he was totally flirting with him! He even bought him a drink and kept running his fingers through his hair!I was flipping out and decided not to go up to him because I knew I would probably throw my drink in his face. I am going crazy now because I don’t know if I should tell him I saw him or not, and I’m also so scared that he may have cheated on me and hooked up with him.I have kept this from him and feel like I probably need to talk to him about it but don’t know what to say. Should I accuse him? Ask him if he has gay tendencies? What if he is in the closet? We have been together for almost a year! Please help me figure out what to do.Sincerely,Lost at SeaDear Lost at Sea,Sometimes what seems an obvious answer may not always be so! Friends do buy each other drinks. But running his fingers through his hair…along with the flirtatious mannerisms, well that seems most telling. But, unless you sort this out with him, you will never know for sure.I’m glad you waited and did not go up to him and throw your drink in his face. For one it would have embarrassed him and made you look bad as well. If your boyfriend is gay I think he may have felt free enough to explore his feelings that night with your friend. It could have been no more than what you actually saw. But you will never know unless you speak to him.You also deserve to know. I think your best bet is to have a frank conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him what you saw that night, and what you think. Let him know that it is okay for him to be honest with you, and that you will accept him as the person he is, regardless of his answer.Try to prepare yourself for the answer you may not want to hear before you start the conversation. Be compassionate. Obviously he does care about you too. A year is a long time. I’m sure if what you are thinking is true, it is also difficult for him, because he doesn’t want to hurt you. Although this may not be the scenario you had hoped for, it may help your friend begin a life where he can be himself and love himself for who he is.Do you agree with the advice Camirose gave to Lost at Sea and Feeling Smothered? Do you have a question for Camirose? Write to her at [email protected]. Names and locations given in “Ask Camirose” are changed to protect the privacy of individuals mentioned.